Dear everyone,
I have a big question, where I also want to but my whole story out, so be warned, it might turn out to be a long text. If you're just looking for my question, skip to the end, but you might give me an answer that doesnt correspond with my background story.
About 5 years ago, I got into a very bad trip from the usage of marijuana in combination with a very cold night, in which I lost control of my body, of the way I saw things (slight hallucinations and a really big change of my views on reality in that moment), and experienced what was described to me as an "out of body", where I was really convinced I wasnt in my own body anymore, and was looking down at myself from a distance.
Off from the next day, I had anxiety. A serious anxiety, lasting all day and night, day in day out, from the second I woke up to the moment I fell asleep (after laying awake in my bed for hours first). At first I thought I was going insane, like, really properly insane, I got thoughts in my head of how the world around me was just an illusion, thought I was scizofrenic, and a billion other thoughts like that, all leading back to thinking I was either going insane or life wasnt real.
Ofcourse, I had never used any drugs anymore after that, but it just kept going on and on, and never really stopped, I'd keep having anxiety and panic attacks for a year (in which I didnt dare to tell my parents I had used marijuana..). After that year tho, it got so much to me, nearly 365 days of pure non stop fear, that I finally told my parents. Ofcourse they were warm to me, and told me they'd get me help, so a few days later I was at a psychiatrist finally getting help.
The first thing that helped me majorly, was getting to hear from him that I wasnt the only person having this. In fact, he told me how common it was to have those fears, and also how there was a huge chance it could be completely solved. The first talk was just that explanation, ofcourse in a lot more words, and I went home that day for the first time in a year feeling actually truely happy. Whereas first clouds would literally scare me, and seeing other people would make me overthing every possible sci-fi scenario of people not being who you think they are, that day it was like fear had been turned off, and happiness had been turned on.
We continued to do a few sessions, in combination with fysical therapy and talking about my problems, giving me homework assignments like breathing exercises, writing down thoughts and other similar things to help me in the situations I felt bad in. It really did help me. I started in spring and through the entire spring, summer and fall, I was perfectly fine. Untill winter came. With witer, despite of christmas and other holidays, came a really depressing feeling again. I didnt neceseraly have the same fears again, but I just kept feeling anxious all day, every day. Some times I'd have panic attacks, some worse then others, but overall I wasnt that happy anymore. Anyway, winter went away and so did my anxiety so I kind of accepted it. For the past years, it has gone on like that. without really seeking any medical or other psychological help, I've been having these ups and down, with the downs always in winter, but I was always able to shake it off, or just decide to "live with it". That has worked for me, up untill now.
A month ago, I quit smoking. That went well untill the start of last week, where one night, calmly laying in bed, I suddenly started shaking crazily (as I also did that night of my bad trip) and BOOM, in one explosion all the anxiety came back. First I just layed in bed kind of accepting it was coming back again just like the last winters, but the next morning I just woke up the same way I did in that first year; The first thought on my mind benig anxiety. Looking at my phone reading a text from my girlfriend, I suddenly felt away from my body again. Like I wasnt really living, and just "reexperiencing" my life. My memories suddenly seemed like they were lightyears away from me, my house and warm, comfortable bed suddenly seemed like they werent really my own, and just someone else's I was in, and even standing up and putting clothes on, looking at my body, it felt like it was all just, far away from me. I felt a distance towards my entire life. All my goals, the music I like, I still like it, but it just doesnt feel like it's mine. And these thoughts scared me so much. not for a really solid, clear reason, they just crashed on me wave after wave in anxiety attacks. I can go parts of my days distracting myself with films, writing or making music, but there's always this anxiety, and being afraid of panicking again.
dont get me wrong, I'm really sure it's nothing to do with multiple personality disorder, because I still like the same things, generally act the same way (where my anxiety isnt stopping me from doing things) and actually nothing in my behaviour really changes at all, it's just this fear driving me mad all the time. I want it to stop, and this time for good. I'm going back to the same psychiatrist next thursday (because he really, really helped me the first time) but before then I just want to hear some reassuring words. Some stories of this being solved. People who know how I feel. People that have, or have had this too and can tell me their experience in this. I just want to be able to relax again, because right now every second I dont directly have to do anything, my mind starts thiking all those thoughts again and it's killing me.
Some additional information to prevent anyone from thinking things that provided this information arent true:
I dont have a low self esteem at all, these events dont happen at any specific location or time, it's just anywhere, everywhere, throughout the day. Breathing exercises do help, but only for a short while and then it's back again, talking can help but some times staring at a person's face can already give me a panic attack for no particular reason. Fysical activity can sort of help but I'm scared of having panic attacks outside, and I cant be stuck lifting weights at my home forever.
I have a big question, where I also want to but my whole story out, so be warned, it might turn out to be a long text. If you're just looking for my question, skip to the end, but you might give me an answer that doesnt correspond with my background story.
About 5 years ago, I got into a very bad trip from the usage of marijuana in combination with a very cold night, in which I lost control of my body, of the way I saw things (slight hallucinations and a really big change of my views on reality in that moment), and experienced what was described to me as an "out of body", where I was really convinced I wasnt in my own body anymore, and was looking down at myself from a distance.
Off from the next day, I had anxiety. A serious anxiety, lasting all day and night, day in day out, from the second I woke up to the moment I fell asleep (after laying awake in my bed for hours first). At first I thought I was going insane, like, really properly insane, I got thoughts in my head of how the world around me was just an illusion, thought I was scizofrenic, and a billion other thoughts like that, all leading back to thinking I was either going insane or life wasnt real.
Ofcourse, I had never used any drugs anymore after that, but it just kept going on and on, and never really stopped, I'd keep having anxiety and panic attacks for a year (in which I didnt dare to tell my parents I had used marijuana..). After that year tho, it got so much to me, nearly 365 days of pure non stop fear, that I finally told my parents. Ofcourse they were warm to me, and told me they'd get me help, so a few days later I was at a psychiatrist finally getting help.
The first thing that helped me majorly, was getting to hear from him that I wasnt the only person having this. In fact, he told me how common it was to have those fears, and also how there was a huge chance it could be completely solved. The first talk was just that explanation, ofcourse in a lot more words, and I went home that day for the first time in a year feeling actually truely happy. Whereas first clouds would literally scare me, and seeing other people would make me overthing every possible sci-fi scenario of people not being who you think they are, that day it was like fear had been turned off, and happiness had been turned on.
We continued to do a few sessions, in combination with fysical therapy and talking about my problems, giving me homework assignments like breathing exercises, writing down thoughts and other similar things to help me in the situations I felt bad in. It really did help me. I started in spring and through the entire spring, summer and fall, I was perfectly fine. Untill winter came. With witer, despite of christmas and other holidays, came a really depressing feeling again. I didnt neceseraly have the same fears again, but I just kept feeling anxious all day, every day. Some times I'd have panic attacks, some worse then others, but overall I wasnt that happy anymore. Anyway, winter went away and so did my anxiety so I kind of accepted it. For the past years, it has gone on like that. without really seeking any medical or other psychological help, I've been having these ups and down, with the downs always in winter, but I was always able to shake it off, or just decide to "live with it". That has worked for me, up untill now.
A month ago, I quit smoking. That went well untill the start of last week, where one night, calmly laying in bed, I suddenly started shaking crazily (as I also did that night of my bad trip) and BOOM, in one explosion all the anxiety came back. First I just layed in bed kind of accepting it was coming back again just like the last winters, but the next morning I just woke up the same way I did in that first year; The first thought on my mind benig anxiety. Looking at my phone reading a text from my girlfriend, I suddenly felt away from my body again. Like I wasnt really living, and just "reexperiencing" my life. My memories suddenly seemed like they were lightyears away from me, my house and warm, comfortable bed suddenly seemed like they werent really my own, and just someone else's I was in, and even standing up and putting clothes on, looking at my body, it felt like it was all just, far away from me. I felt a distance towards my entire life. All my goals, the music I like, I still like it, but it just doesnt feel like it's mine. And these thoughts scared me so much. not for a really solid, clear reason, they just crashed on me wave after wave in anxiety attacks. I can go parts of my days distracting myself with films, writing or making music, but there's always this anxiety, and being afraid of panicking again.
dont get me wrong, I'm really sure it's nothing to do with multiple personality disorder, because I still like the same things, generally act the same way (where my anxiety isnt stopping me from doing things) and actually nothing in my behaviour really changes at all, it's just this fear driving me mad all the time. I want it to stop, and this time for good. I'm going back to the same psychiatrist next thursday (because he really, really helped me the first time) but before then I just want to hear some reassuring words. Some stories of this being solved. People who know how I feel. People that have, or have had this too and can tell me their experience in this. I just want to be able to relax again, because right now every second I dont directly have to do anything, my mind starts thiking all those thoughts again and it's killing me.
Some additional information to prevent anyone from thinking things that provided this information arent true:
I dont have a low self esteem at all, these events dont happen at any specific location or time, it's just anywhere, everywhere, throughout the day. Breathing exercises do help, but only for a short while and then it's back again, talking can help but some times staring at a person's face can already give me a panic attack for no particular reason. Fysical activity can sort of help but I'm scared of having panic attacks outside, and I cant be stuck lifting weights at my home forever.