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I am a 19 year old female who has been in a relationship for almost 2 years. My boyfriend was in a car accident several months ago and has since healed. He was not expected to live, but somehow pulled through and after a few months, came back home. His abilities have almost fully returned to his normal state, nothing that would stick, he is fully functional. Before his accident, we would have intercourse a few times a week that would satisfy the both of us, all the time. Always privately, but I never had too many issues expressing my affection for him in public settings. (Kissing, hugging, cuddling) Since he has come home, we have only had sex twice, in a 3 month span. Both times were enjoyable for me, but I was a bit nervous about privacy. I have no issues with him in terms of comfort. I have no problems being nude around him and am still very attracted to him. We are both under circumstances where total privacy is almost impossible to achieve. I feel that if we were to be completely alone, I would have a much easier time with intercourse. However, even kissing and cuddling, which was again normal for us, I have the hardest time doing. It almost gives me panic attacks.

 

I have no idea if the accident and loss of sexual desire are related, I have no reason to believe they wouldn't be. This was the only major thing to have occured. Any information would be greatly appreciated.




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2 Answers

There are so many factors that could be affecting your sexual desire from what you said that treatement should be sought to figure them out and get them treated.

First, I am not certain that sexual "desire" is the problem.  You still seem to have the desire to have sex, but the situation is not the same as it was before.  It sounds like you had more opportunity to have sex in private before, but not you have less opportunity, possibly because people are worried about your boyfriend and do not give him as much private space as he had before.

Second, having sex is more a mental activity, especially in women, than in men.  Your anxiety is probably interfering with your having sex.  If you are having "flashbacks" about his accident and treatment, these could create an unconscious feeling that sex would harm him and interfere with your performance and pleasure.

Third, you do not mention any changes your boyfriend might show concerning his behavior.  If he had traumatic brain injury, this could affect his performance and approach to sex and relationships.

These are problems that are best explored face-to-face.  Listen to your internal talk and try to avoid talking yourself into interpretations.  Also, changing your behavior can change the way you think.  Try to develop hypotheses for your feelinga and than test them.  A single test, however, is not always adequate, since you are expecting a reaction from someone else and that person has to determine what your behavior means to them.  Relationships do change and "traumatic events" can change relationships and the way that you view them.  Good luck.
by
If you were deeply emotionally attached to him when he had his accident and it caused you extreme pain when you thought he might die, you might be afraid to get close again. You might be in a state of panic because you might think getting close to him again will make you susceptible to more pain. Is it a possibilty that you just do not see him in a sexual light anymore, but you are afraid to admit it because you do love him? You might feel that you are obligated to continue the relationship as it was before because you don't want to cause him pain on top of what he has already been through.?
by (540 points)
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