What i mean is i want to die for w purpose. Saving someone, dealing with a presonal vendetta, etc. Basically I want to be killed in the process of killing someone who "deserves to die" in my eyes. I embrace the fact that death is inevidable and I embrace the fact that it will come but I dont want it to come when im old and in my death bed just waiting for it, but at the same time I dont want to carelessly die in an accident or by my own hand. I dont understand this. I have been this way since eight yesrs old. Ive attepmted suicide but could never go through with it beause it 'wasent a beautiful death". i wouldnt say this is based on depression either because I am happily married, and enjoy my life. Please help.