I've accepted that I'm at the end of my rope and theirs no point in trying anymore. I don't want to, I don't want help or attention anymore. I just don't want to be alive anymore, and I don't understand why anyone else does.
I'm a covert Narcissistic, which I could care less about. But I guess that ties into some other anxiety/paranoid disorders. I have extreme social anxiety. Or social paranoia? It seems more like paranoia because no matter which way I rationalize it when I'm alone, I'm still completely convinced that people are looking at me, laughing, thinking bad things, evil things. It's too much and I feel like I can't breathe, I silently panic. I try so hard to not look stupid that it ends up making me look stupid. I barely go outside anymore because I'm terrified of even having to walk past someone on the sidewalk. That Narcissism and Anxiety stuff I feel like I can blame on my traumatizing childhood.
I more than meet the diagnostic criteria for Schizotypal Personality Disorder, as well. I've read that has more to do with genetics. My mother claims that my brother is the only person in our family who is mentally ill, but I don't trust her. I wasn't traumatized at birth or anything, but my brother wasn't either and he's a Manic Depressive. I feel like I'm just rambling at this point.
Anyway, there was actually a point when I just decided to end my life. I'd always thought about it, just wishing I was dead cause I thought I'd be to scared to kill myself. Even then I felt like someday I'd be able to live normally and everything would be okay. Now everything's just blank for me. Except I'm a little obsessed with my suicide now. And when I do things to prepare for it, I feel like I'm having a manic episode. Now my question is; is something like that enough to trigger a manic episode? Or is the feeling of grandiosity coming from the narcissism?