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What is wrong with me?

My psychiatric profile is complex and elusive. According to one doctor, I suffer from chronic major depression and general anxiety disorder; according to another, I have cyclothymic bipolar disorder and atypical borderline personality disorder. My most recent psychiatrist thinks there are too many different diagnoses in my medical history and refuses to make another, but he has mentioned that some of my symptoms resemble severe obsessive-compulsive disorder. Meanwhile, I'm seeing a very liberal-minded psychoanalyst who thinks psychiatric diagnoses are "just labels," but I disagree with her on the grounds that these "labels" are attached to complex theoretical frameworks that help us better understand associated groups of symptoms and their underlying causes.

Here is a snapshot of my personality:
1) Extreme emotional fragility
2) Daily episodes of intense obsessive ranting, extreme rage
3) Abysmally low self-esteem, self-hatred, self-mutilation
4) Fragile narcissism, unstable grandiose self-image
5) Antisocial hostility (when extremely frustrated or made to feel inferior)
6) Desperate attempts to avoid being enslaved (refusal to work a menial job)
7) Extremely narrow vocational focus and unwavering intolerance to all other alternatives
8) Suicidal ideation, suicide experiments, suicide threats
9) Excruciating phobia of any workplace involving humiliating work (i.e. all jobs but college teaching)
9.5) Intense loathing of being supervised, controlled, subordinated, exploited
10) Sexual paraphilia (coprophilia, i.e. **** fetish), virgin until 27
11) Disabling perfectionism, obsessions, tics, compulsions
12) Fear of daylight, fear of responsibilities, fear of stress, fear of fear (panic attack)
13) Nervous fidgeting, hyperactivity, insomnia, hypersomnia
14) Intervals of severe depression requiring medication

15) Constant state of anxious tension and dread

I'll try to balance this horrible list of vices with some of my virtues:

1) High intelligence (PhD candidate, performance pianist--both undermined by perfectionism)
2) Man of many passions with an unquenchable thirst to learn fascinating new subjects
3) Storehouse of theoretical knowledge
4) Desire to mentor others, capable of profound empathy (when not angry)
5) Passionate love of beauty
6) Passionate devotion to my chosen vocation (research, literature, teaching college/university)

What's wrong with me?




asked Jun 24, 2012 in Clinical Psychology by anonymous

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