Well, for a few years now I've been feeling as though I want bad things to happen to me so that people will sympathise with me. I have been involved with some possibly dangerous people before (I didn't go looking for them though), and I felt kind of disappointed when I found an escape and wasn't harmed. For some reason, I feel as though my life won't be very meaningful if really bad things don't happen to me, and if they did happen and I got through them I'd feel strong and amazing, like a survivor. Sometimes when I hear about people who have been through a lot and have overcome this, I almost wish I had gone through those things and gotten respect from people. I feel as though people don't take me seriously and that things that happen to me won't be important enough to sympathise with. When I hear about my friends being upset about something, I get a pounding in my chest. I do obviously care about my friends, but I think the pounding in my chest is my fear that they will get a lot of attention and sympathy from other people and that I'll be envious of that. I feel bad when I think like this so I try to ignore it but the thoughts come back.
I find it hard to cry about things even when I'm upset, but my friends can cry quite easily. When they cry, people hug them and comfort them and although I feel bad for them too, a part of me wants to be able to cry like that as well so I can receive the same comfort. I don't cry often but when I do it's about stupid things which sometimes causes people to laugh rather than comfort me. I don't know if my childhood may have caused this mindset. Even though I do have friends and people seem to generally like me, I remember my mum telling me that I was born almost 2 months early and so I had to stay in hospital for about 5 weeks. She said for my older sister's naming ceremony she had many family members and friends attend, but the only people who attended mine were my sister and my parents (this is similar to our sociality now since she has always been more popular than me). So my mum said when I was younger I didn't really get the attention I deserved. I wondered that maybe this could be a reason why I want people to pay attention to me but I'm not sure. I've tried to pray about this problem and I even wrote a list of things I'm grateful for so that I won't have these selfish thoughts but it's not working. I would never lie about bad things happening to me, or cause harm to myself or to others though. I know it's bad to think this because so many people want to end their suffering. I don't understand this, any advice? Thank you :) xx